Pain killers and energy drinks – the stuff of legends and broken dreams
I first came across the term industrial athlete about twenty years ago. I’m not sure who invented it or how long it was in use before I saw it, but suddenly it was everywhere. Industrial athletes started popping out of the woodwork, they were everywhere too. There were industrial athletes in the corner, on roofs, on the way to work, and under trees. Just like COVID, they spread unseen, filling our homes, workplaces, and hospitals. There were industrial athlete meal plans, pre-work stretches, post-work stretches, and mental exercises. The body and mind had to work as one. There were techniques for coiling and de-coiling; clearly, industrial athletes were springs wound so tight that they were exploding. Was it even safe to go outside?
By the time I became familiar with the term, I was a broken old man, broken at the age of thirty-five. I guess that was the point, maybe if I had done the exercises, stretched and eaten well I wouldn’t have been in the state that I was. But that’s not the worst of it, the worst was yet to come.
Once I had stopped climbing and dusted the last of the man-glitter [sawdust] from my harness, I became one of the seated office crew. I became a consultant. I’m not complaining, the work is fun and surprisingly exhausting; I was and am often amazed at how tired I am at the end of the day. Although I was office-bound, I carried on eating like an industrial athlete; the athlete that I never was. The beast had to be fed and I now was able to afford some of the finer foods in life. My beer no longer came in green bottles, Heineken and Stella had been replaced with the full flavour and full strength of craft beer. I was now drinking beers called Death from Above, Progressive Infinite Iterations, and Electric Dry Hop Acid Test. I had fully embraced the craft beer movement and at 350 calories per pint, the craft beer movement was rapidly embracing me.
At about the time I came down from the trees a skater dude was about to set off and skateboard his way around the world. It would be a most excellent adventure and I was keen to see how he was going to skateboard across the ocean. The sports department at the local university was also interested, not so much about his ability to skate on water, but to see how fit he was, and to see how fit he would become. The skater dude whose name I can’t recall was subject to all sorts of tests; cardiovascular, bone density, muscular endurance, oxygen saturation, and who knows what else. I suspect performance-enhancing and/or banned substances were discretely ignored. Our skater dude was set to kick-push-glide for up to five hours a day, seven days a week for two years; he was surely going to return as an elite athlete. After that much exercise, he surely would have reached a level of fitness on par with professional football players or swimmers at the Olympic games. So, they tested him before he left and upon his return. After two years of skating uphill and down dale, across deserts and over oceans (somehow?) it turned out that he was just fit. Just normal fit, fit like an industrial athlete, fit like someone who climbs trees for six hours a day, six days a week. I recall that the news was somewhat disappointing, I suspect that I needed a beer to cheer myself up. More calories, comfort in a friend.
So how should you transition from an industrial athlete to an office worker? What can you do once you have skated on water to stop you from sinking like a stone?
Use it or lose it and eat less. There should be no surprises to that, if you are putting more calories into your body than you are using then you’ll start to pack on the weight. If you stop moving you’ll seize up. The solution is easy, eat less and exercise, but actually doing that is really quite hard, especially if you’ve gained weight and seized up.
If you are reading this and you’re a gym junkie then you can probably stop, there will be nothing in this for you. If you are reading this and you’ve got a medical condition, then think twice about taking advice from an arborist about anything other than trees. But if you are like me, enjoy food and are partial to a drink or two, and you don’t wish to become a gym junkie or give up some of the finer things that you have worked for, then maybe consider this.
- Stop drinking alcohol on weekdays, maybe except for Fridays. Friday is almost the weekend, but Sunday is almost a weekday… try for five days dry.
- Where you can use the stairs, don’t take lifts or escalators, especially for one floor – shame on you if you do that
- Don’t snack and cut out the cakes. You can conduct a business meeting in a café without eating cake
- Do some form of exercise at least every other day, if not every day. Five minutes is better no minutes, something is better than nothing. If it’s less than half a mile away then walk it, it’s probably going to be quicker than driving anyway.
- Eat smaller portions. This one can be really hard, especially if the food is good – without being silly try using smaller plates
- And don’t eat after 9:00 PM
These six things haven’t made me buff, my biceps don’t bulge and to be honest, I don’t achieve all of them each week. But since starting this rather token regimen, I don’t make as much noise when I stand up and I can get out of bed in the morning without sitting first. Baby steps, but making a difference. I had a gym membership, which I’ve let lapse, but I have taken to doing yoga. Yoga in the privacy of my own home.
Yoga was suggested to me by a friend and colleague, back in the day he was a machine and industrial athlete in every way. He takes yoga classes; I use an app that I’ve downloaded to my phone. I thoroughly recommend yoga, and it can be done without whale-song and chanting. But master the six before you add a seventh.
While back in the day, we prided ourselves for living on painkillers and energy drinks, there is no need or excuse for that now. If you are an industrial athlete, look after your body, if you were… look after your body.
- Written for Ontario Arborist magazine